Deportment classes for junkies in new Work for the Dole scheme

Image: Channel Nine

An elaborate plot by the Federal Government has been revealed in the wake of last night's final episode of Aussie Ladette to Lady. Eggleston Hall finishing school Principal, Gill Harbord and Vice Principal and cookery teacher, Rosemary Schrager have been seconded by the Department of Human Services and Centrelink to assist in a new Work for the Dole scheme. Seemingly in Australia to film the conclusion to the six-episode Channel Nine series, Harbord and Schrager are engaged as consultants to combat the grave issue of flailing junkie etiquette.

The proposed programme devised by the finishing school and conducted by local experts will see those eligible enrolled in a curriculum aiming to eradicate the inelegant practices associated with heroin and crystal methamphetamine addictions. "Over the years as drug addiction has increased, common courtesy has decreased significantly; with many addicts forgetting the valuable life lessons instilled by their mothers," says Gavin Williams, a Government spokesperson for the initiative. "We hope to redress the current situation and ensure junkies can coexist harmoniously with the greater community."

This radical approach will offer various prescribed classes in gentility including 'How to scratch one's ice mites like a gentleman', 'Achieving and maintaining correct posture when experiencing the 'nods'' and 'Which spoon one should use to cook up heroin'. A course of instructional grooming sessions will also dictate that bare feet or thongs are inappropriate footwear choices for job interviews and will school junkies on how to wipe one's nose when high using a handkerchief rather than the back of one's hand.

Freelance speech therapist and elocution specialist, Julie Delancy says, "I will be conducting lessons to educate and develop the conversational skills of our dear junkies. I will teach them how to differentiate between the words 'bought' and 'brought', reinforce that the past tense of the verb 'to come' is in fact 'came' and not 'come'; and will remind students not to drop their 'g's when they are chasing [smack]."

Church groups have criticised the move saying that it glamorises the practice when it should be abhorred. "Junkies should be in rehabilitation facilities, not taking high THC with society ladies," slams Rev. Luke Palmerston of the Uniting Church Mission. "This is a sheer waste of funding that could be better invested in our under-eights football team half-time orange fund."

However, the instructors involved in the initiative remain confident for a positive outcome after the six-month trial. "If I seek to achieve anything with my students," says Delancy, "it is that when they request fifty cents to make a phone call from strangers, they do so with rounded vowel sounds in their diction."

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