Deportment classes for junkies in new Work for the Dole scheme

Image: Channel Nine

An elaborate plot by the Federal Government has been revealed in the wake of last night's final episode of Aussie Ladette to Lady. Eggleston Hall finishing school Principal, Gill Harbord and Vice Principal and cookery teacher, Rosemary Schrager have been seconded by the Department of Human Services and Centrelink to assist in a new Work for the Dole scheme. Seemingly in Australia to film the conclusion to the six-episode Channel Nine series, Harbord and Schrager are engaged as consultants to combat the grave issue of flailing junkie etiquette.

The proposed programme devised by the finishing school and conducted by local experts will see those eligible enrolled in a curriculum aiming to eradicate the inelegant practices associated with heroin and crystal methamphetamine addictions. "Over the years as drug addiction has increased, common courtesy has decreased significantly; with many addicts forgetting the valuable life lessons instilled by their mothers," says Gavin Williams, a Government spokesperson for the initiative. "We hope to redress the current situation and ensure junkies can coexist harmoniously with the greater community."

This radical approach will offer various prescribed classes in gentility including 'How to scratch one's ice mites like a gentleman', 'Achieving and maintaining correct posture when experiencing the 'nods'' and 'Which spoon one should use to cook up heroin'. A course of instructional grooming sessions will also dictate that bare feet or thongs are inappropriate footwear choices for job interviews and will school junkies on how to wipe one's nose when high using a handkerchief rather than the back of one's hand.

Freelance speech therapist and elocution specialist, Julie Delancy says, "I will be conducting lessons to educate and develop the conversational skills of our dear junkies. I will teach them how to differentiate between the words 'bought' and 'brought', reinforce that the past tense of the verb 'to come' is in fact 'came' and not 'come'; and will remind students not to drop their 'g's when they are chasing [smack]."

Church groups have criticised the move saying that it glamorises the practice when it should be abhorred. "Junkies should be in rehabilitation facilities, not taking high THC with society ladies," slams Rev. Luke Palmerston of the Uniting Church Mission. "This is a sheer waste of funding that could be better invested in our under-eights football team half-time orange fund."

However, the instructors involved in the initiative remain confident for a positive outcome after the six-month trial. "If I seek to achieve anything with my students," says Delancy, "it is that when they request fifty cents to make a phone call from strangers, they do so with rounded vowel sounds in their diction."

Thanks to Simone P. for submitting an image. You too can participate in The Truffe by e-maling an image to kirdlaw@yahoo.com, citing its origin.

Hawkers sell themselves to move cut-price merchandise

Image: Google Images

Accustomed to having doors slammed in their faces, hawkers are being left out in the cold in the current world economic climate. Inflammatory door signs, rabid pets and automatic sprinkler systems have proved no match against the tenacious door-to-door salesman, however, a force much greater has seen their dogged approach halted. Challenged by adversity, an alarming new trend has emerged of salesmen resorting to cheap and tawdry techniques to entice the stay-at-home consumer. The result is 'shirtless sales', now a staple for the purveyors of economical stationery around the every-important 'back to school' period.

Due to the internet revolution of free websites such as Wikipedia, many information-seekers are turning online for the answers they seek. This creates a paradoxical phenomenon: once the household prerequisite of yore, flagging sales of the print version of Encyclopaedia Britannica have seen it become a dust-collector; much to the consternation of many a housewife unable to purchase Magic Duster® refills without travelling salesmen.

Consequently, the declining sales figures have seen the self-esteem of many salesmen plummet to bargain basement levels. "I was getting out of bed at 7am, depressed as I got dressed every morning. Just the mere thought of putting on a shirt was near impossible," says instigator of the movement, Adam Fuller, an Ab-Rocker™ salesman and self-proclaimed fitness fanatic. "When I realised that I didn't have to put a shirt on, that's when my whole outlook changed."

Fuller's renegade tactic saw him treble the units of Ab-Rocker™s sold and received 43% more percolated coffee than instant from housewives who had invited him into their homes. "I can't believe the effect the simple act of not wearing a shirt has had on my business," Fuller says. "I'm making money, looking great and feeling terrific."

The bare-fleshed approach, although popular among homemakers has its detractors. The Cancer Council of Australia has issued a warning against the practice citing that such activity has proved dangerous by similar shirtless trades such as the construction and daytime exotic dancing industries. National depression initiative, beyondblue acknowledges that Vitamin D is beneficial in the prevention of depression, however takes the same stance as the Cancer Council.

Not only concerning the governing health bodies, the backlash to the trend is widespread. The torso-proud contingent has bewildered local business owners whose 'No shirt, no service' policy has come into question when the suburban cowboy clientele frequents their happy hours. "I don't know what to think," says Larry Richardson, proprietor of The Owl and Shamrock Hotel, "I know they're not wearing a shirt, but they're wearing a tie – it's all very confusing."

Some have not been so lucky. Beverley Watson is known as the local Avon lady in the Lower Templestowe area. Unfortunately for the 73-year-old grandmother, becoming a topless door-to-door salesperson saw her admitted to the Alfred Hospital Burns Unit with second-degree burns after she took to demonstrating the George Foreman grill as a way of making ends meet. She is now recuperating at home but unable to hug her grandchildren or do the crossword puzzle.

Is this a lasting fad or will it spread into the wider community? The Truffe asked the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints if it was something that their missionaries would consider adopting into their strategy. "Don't be ridiculous," says senior Church member, Joseph Kerr. "This display contravenes everything we believe in the Mormon faith. Besides, where would the elders pin their name badges if they're not wearing a shirt?'

Thank you to Simone P for sending the image.

Byron Bay resorts hire iguanas to draw GFC tourist dollar

Image: Kim Wearne

Several of Byron Bay’s top health resorts have employed the services of webbed footmen in an attempt to draw holiday-makers from around the globe to the already popular eco-tourism destination. “Byron Bay is rife with iguanas, you see,” Doris Cleechman, Byron Bay Mayor, told The Truffe. “People love the iguanas, but don’t like it when they step on their faces while they’re sleeping. So, in an attempt to get them out of hotel rooms and into the workforce, we devised a council grant-scheme for local hoteliers to hire and train the iguanas. This way, visitors to the Bay can get even closer to nature, whilst having it at their service 24-hours a day.”

As Marnie Skittles, owner of Chakrayana Spa Resort, explained, “Iguanas are very efficient footmen. In fact, they’re better at carrying fruit platters than our human wait staff are – mostly because of their spiny backs. In that department, humans are way behind. So far behind in fact that, off the record, we’re thinking of doing a switcheroo. Please don’t print that. It was off the record.”

A month into the project, most tourists remain indifferent to the reptilian footmen, but some have expressed concerns. Stuart Eer of Flemington, a guest at Chakrayana resort, cruelly called the iguanas “dirty”. “It’s not right,” the 38-year-old restaurateur said. “It’s downright unhygienic. My kiwi fruit had a fly in it. They don’t have to wash or wear gloves when they handle food, these iguanas. It’s like there’s one rule for everyone else and another rule for them. Now, you tell me how that’s fair.”

It remains to be seen whether the new scheme will curb the Bay’s iguana problem, but Skittles assures us she won’t be taking the iguanas off duty any time soon. “I don't have to explain myself to you if I don't want, you're not my mum," she said. "But look, when it comes down to it, iguanas produce less waste than human waiters, they’re friendlier and they’re easier to breed. You don’t even need a license. Plus, if any of the eggs don’t hatch, you can eat them. The eggs, I mean. Then again, some of our guests have been known to ask for iguana ribs in the early hours of the morning. Of course, that's a difficult choice to make when you've become attached to all of them, but in the end someone has to get the chop and it's usually the iguana that's had the least drink orders that week. The nature of the industry, I'm afraid.”

To celebrate Reptile Awareness Week, The Truffe has a Chakrayana gift pack containing six iguana eggs valued at $14 each to give away. Simply send your credit card to 12/456 St Kilda Road, Melbourne, Victoria 3006 by close of business tomorrow to be in the running.

No-frills nuptials for global financial crisis brides

Image: Google Images

Australian brides are seeing red spot specials over the effect the global financial crisis is having on their wedding plans. Forced to cut corners when they should be cutting the cake, many brides' dream days are fast turning into nightmares.

Tina Shepherd of Werribee, an impending bride and mother is devastated at the compromises she has had to make due to the current economic situation. "I was pretty annoyed when the venue wanted me to pay for an extra place setting for baby. How would I know I was seven months pregnant?" the distraught seventeen-year-old told The Truffe.

On the wedding cake front, Shepherd initially considered a croquembouche-style tower of white chocolate Streets Mini Magnum ice creams in lieu of profiteroles, but deemed the 80-cent-per-head investment quoted her by NQR Supermarket, Footscray, "too bloody expensive". Instead, she opted for a cheese cake – a five-tiered wedding cake comprised of different wheels of cheese, which would be served to guests on expired Captain's Table water biscuits and Sakata rice snacks. "Why doesn't the GFC know I'm eating for two now? It's ruined everything. I don't even know if I want to get married anymore."

Shepherd's fiancé, Shane Gregory, a twenty-four-year-old fitter and turner also from Werribee is equally as dismayed at how the crisis will affect what will be his second marriage. "I got busted by Centrelink for cashing me [sic] ex-wife's disability cheques, so we can't afford to hire a celebrant. So, me [sic] dad has become a minister on the internet so he'll be [conducting the ceremony] in the backyard. I just hope he doesn't get too pissed before."

The consequences of the GFC to the wedding industry are widespread, with local florists noting a decline in sales of exotic flowers such as gerberas (gerbera lanuginose) for table centrepieces and bouquets, with couples returning to more traditional and economical options such as carnations (dianthus caryophyllus), freesias (freesia alba) and baby's breath (gypsophila paniculata). "It's a trend we've noticed ever since A Current Affair did a special on the GFC," says florist Maureen Kennedy, of Irish extraction. "I did have a young lass in asking for silk flowers the other day though."

Financial experts blame the Reserve Bank of Australia for the discrepancy. Tim McCullough of Ernst & Young comments, "The RBA currently doesn't factor Streets Mini Magnums and baby's breath into the basket when calculating the CPI. Unfortunately, brides must pick up the shortfall in the already over-inflated bridal industry."

However, experts remain hopeful for a change. "There's been talk in our circles of a reform of the consumer price index to include bridal consumables," McCullough confirms, a move which is also supported by the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). "Why should guests be served KFC because of the GFC?"

Hipsters call for tighter control on Moleskine® sales

Image courtesy http://moots.files.wordpress.com/2006/12/moleskine.jpg

Students in the Architecture, Creative Media and Design faculties at RMIT University staged a protest outside Swanton Street’s Curtin House today when Metropolis Books announced they had sold out of large Moleskine® notebooks. The independent bookstore, which stocks the full range of Moleskine® products, met with increased demand for the range after a Facebook fan-page touting the benefits of owning the notebook made famous by Ernest Hemingway appeared on the social networking site last month.

A representative from Students for the Protection of all Moleskine®s (SPaM) said, “We’re not asking for the world. All we’re asking is that retailers be that little bit more discerning when parting with Moleskine® products so they don’t fall into the wrong hands. A quick look-up-and-down would be enough; if the customer is wearing cargo shorts and a bright pink visor, they’re not Moleskine® material. If it’s tight-ish jeans and an American Apparel tee or a plaid shirt, that’s a signal to close the sale.”

Native to southern Uganda, the Moleskine® (paperii romanticus) is known for its sleek design and built-in ruler. In 1895 Gary Mole and Dennis Dykskine patented the crop and transported it to Italy, where it was farmed organically for nearly a century. In the late 1990s, Apple Corporation bought the Italian Moleskine® farm and created the famous ‘Hemingway vs Fitzgerald’ advertising campaign, featuring a Moleskine® loving Hemingway outwitting F. Scott Fitzgerald, a well-known Spirax user. Moleskine®s have been sold in boutique and independent bookstores and stationery retailers across Melbourne since 2004.

“We honestly had no idea this would happen,” said a Metropolis Books spokesperson. “We know people love Moleskine®s, but this kind of demonstration was… unprecedented. We’ll be doing our best to cater for the growing demand, but obviously we can’t breech discrimination laws – hell, if Hitler marched in here wanting a Moleskine® we’d have to sell it to him.”

In related news, an angry coffee drinker claims recent ‘indie-sploitation’ advertising campaigns by both McDonalds and Gloria Jeans “tricked” her into “purchasing coffee from multinational and/or unethical” retailers. “I don’t care if it was fair trade and they’re giving all their money to bushfire victims,” Georgia Careworth of North Carlton says. “My self-image has been severely damaged and nothing can fix it. Nothing except free fair-trade coffee.”