Like a truffe to the slaughter

TEXAS: Pepi, a 9-month-old English sheep-pig would’ve ended up on someone’s dinner plate, or worse – in domestic blood and bone mixture, had he not found himself two pairs of children’s gumboots in a downtown Dallas Wal-Mart ten days ago. The boots, manufactured in the Solomon Islands and imported by Cherry Girl International Inc., have effectively anthropomorphised Pepi who now denies his porcine heritage outright. ‘Squrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!’ he said on Tuesday, to the outrage of the Texan government and his owner, Jose Lupez-Brown of Chiquito Flats, an outer suburb of Dallas. ‘Pepi was born a pig and now he wants to be a man. He has brought shame on my piggery. He is dead to me [spits].’

The anthropomorphism debate has raged across Texas since February last year, when a head of asparagus smeared lipstick over its upper stalk to persuade an Austin sous chef that it had too many human-like qualities to be steamed along with its brothers. The sous chef has since resigned.

‘We don’t know what to do,’ desperate housewife Marita Lanza, 47, cried into The Truffe’s digital voice recorder. ‘Now we cannot cook a thing! Chickens wear eyeglasses, tomatoes have fashioned themselves little booties and canned goods are donning the leotards of children’s dolls to avoid being eaten. We can't help it – these foodstuffs look cute to us and therefore we will not eat them! Do you see?!’

Pepi maintains an objective stance on the matter, claiming he didn’t ‘eeeeeaaaaarrrrrrraaaaaawwwww’ with any ‘squornt!’, though the jury is still out on whether he will be allowed to keep his new status as ‘Official Non-Human Denizen’ – a residential visa for food products introduced by the Texan government after pressures from anthropomorphist activist groups.

Peter Eng, president of Vegumans United, yesterday wrote on the organisation’s Facebook ‘fan’ page that ‘[the] bloodshed has gone on long enough. There is no reason why a horse, deer or cabbage – so long as they have a vest or brassiere on – should not have the vote. It’s a criminal outrage that a human woman and a dried soy snack with a top hat can’t walk down a suburban street holding hands. Stop the injustice now!’ At the time of posting, the group ‘10,000 strong for anthropomorphised foodstuffs’ had 212 members, with new members joining at a rate of 6 per hour.

Pepi’s case will go before a Dallas county court early next month, but until a final verdict is reached, the FDA has cautioned against leaving food unattended for too long and specifically warns against storing food near a magazine rack, on top of a television set or close to any digital media device where it may be susceptible to the influence of ‘unhinged liberal humanist minds beyond the control of the United States government’. The Truffe has not yet been blacklisted for its pro-anthropomorphism activities, but remains an affiliate of Cherry Girl International, Inc.

Welsh man confines self to grass prison

In the small Welsh village of Byrrrdkiliy, a man in his thirties has fuelled controversy by confining himself to a 2.5 metre-wide wheel lined with instant lawn. The man, 31-year-old North Byrrrdkiliy resident, Doinal O'Bucket, says he built the wheel when he uncovered plans by local government to "pave over all natural surfaces in the village".

"It's just not right what they doin'," O'Bucket, who calls his contraption 'The Fancy Jig', says. "They got a right cheek to pave over me grass. One minute you're all nice-like, playin' on your lawn eatin' a donut and the next you got a concrete stub stuck to your foot. That's why I built me own permanent patch o' grass. I need never leave it, right? I got ever-thing in here."

Though no spokesperson for the Byrrrdkiliy local council has been available for comment on the perceived 'pave-over' plans, those close to O'Bucket have not been shy in raising concerns for his sanity and safety. Shannen Lannegaggin, 32, O'Bucket's former girlfriend, says her ex-partner began talking about what he called 'a government conspiracy' shortly before their split last month. "All night long it was 'Shannen, they're taking me grass'. When I asked why they would do that, he'd just curse and kick at me. Then I found the plans for the fancy jig in the study and I asked him to leave. Luckily he wasn't on the lease, so he hasn't got a leg to stand on, legally."

O'Bucket, a self-employed dot.com professional, spends a large portion of his day pushing his grass wheel around Byrrrdkiliy town centre, where he elicits frowns, sighs and huffs from locals who are tiring of having to fit the fancy jig into their daily dealings with O'Bucket.

"This politically correct business has gone way too far, if you ask me," Thomas Noirrberth, owner of the popular Byrrrdkiliy Sunset cafe, told The Truffe. "I mean, you fit in other minorities because they drive normal cars and that. But there's no room in this town for a grass wheel -- it just doesn't fit. Plus he wants his coffee with soy milk. Now, I've made adjustments for the new-age folk by getting in them herbal teas that cost a bloody packet, but soy milk -- this is Byrrrdkiliy, not bloody Bristol, mate!"

Concerns have also been raised by general busybodies who claim the grass wheel is a danger to the physical and emotional wellbeing of the village children. At the time of posting, three complaints have been lodged with council in the hopes that O'Bucket's wheel may be banned from Byrrrdkiliy streets. Maggie Schlepper, a local shopkeeper, observed, "Children try a lot to play in the wheel. I tell them, 'no, no. Stay away from that wheel. It can be a very dangerous wheel.' Then they tend to go away back to their mamas and popos, sometimes crying, sometimes not. The crying ones I give a lolly to. I don't care much for the ones that don't cry."

In Australia, however, where ongoing drought conditions pose a real threat to community enjoyment of natural surfaces, O'Bucket's 'jig' has been praised as a prototypical alternative to public parkland. "I think he's onto something," Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard told The Age newspaper's 'M' supplement. "Look, I'd buy one if it meant I could have longer showers -- no-one goes to the Botanical Gardens anymore, anyway. Global warming means we have to move with the times, and this wheel is a wheel of the future times."

O'Bucket says he will stay in the fancy jig indefinitely, so long as people are kind enough to throw food at him. When asked whether he felt his quality of life might be compromised by living in a wheel, he said, "I can do anything that any of those buggers out there can do. Any able bodied bugger." O'Bucket expects to be nominated for a United Nations Triumph award and is planning an overland tour of Britain for Autumn.